How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
