Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
