Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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