Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
