i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
