New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
