party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
