my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
3 2 1 whiskey
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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