I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
