having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We have so much sex to catch up on
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
