saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
