It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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