two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
if only i could text you this smell
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
