apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
