so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
