Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
