If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
