remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
