Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
