very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
