our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
