im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
