Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
