I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
