Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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