Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
