she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
