I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
