I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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