I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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