Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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