I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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