last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
