happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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