note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
