My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
