The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
