Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
