He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
