You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
