Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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