Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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