I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
