question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
