it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
