So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
