Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
