Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
