so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize