Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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