so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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