If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
