I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
