i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
