When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
