The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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