You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
