you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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