also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I intend to get homeless drunk
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
