Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
