omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
